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Talking Story  by Polo

From The Asian Reporter, V17, #34 (August 21, 2007), page 7.

PORTLAND — Local community activist, stubborn stump-puller, and tropical butterfly collector "Ernie" Mak was released from Multnomah County Detention early Tuesday morning. However, the diminutive mestizo was quickly rearrested on unspecified numerous brand-spanking new warrants in the facility’s packed parking lot. He did not run. Or resist. But he did get off that flourish of eighteen astonishing steps climaxing Tango maestro Fernando El Torro Delectico’s unforgettable 1986 performance before the Sultan of Brunei.

Magnifico.

"Jeez, I hate Tuesdays." Mr. Mak said when several dozen local, regional, national, and international media representatives asked for comment. The diminutive mestizo was roughly bundled off by fourteen buzz-cut, python-armed county corrections officers. All female.

When asked for official comment, Multnomah County Sheriff’s spokesman Dan W. Mastiff said, "He’s a smart-a**." Referring to the suspect.

While reporters concentrated on jotting down that allegedly accurate attribution, on getting out this incredible news, Mr. Mastiff and company marched back inside and slammed their thick pig-iron doors. An eerie electronic bleep punctuated the silence after.

Jean-Jacque Soulémon ("Hey, call me ‘Ernie’") al Mak de Corazán has a long-long history of close calls with the law for behaving badly, according to local, regional, national, and international law enforcement agencies.

Interpol records dating as far back as 1977 indicate a suspect, possibly Nepali, maybe a Bengali-blend, quite likely Ernie Mak, huddling furtively with thirsty middleclass Hindus at the Patna International Airport arrivals gate. The Kathmandu-Patna air route was a well-trodden cross-Himalaya mule run for smuggling U.S. brand whiskeys from liberal Nepal to dry India. U.S. authorities were unable to cajole cooperation from their New Delhi counterparts for Mr. Mak’s arrest and extradition.

Throughout First Lady Nancy Reagan’s 1980s "Just Say No" mini-war on really bad drugs, Columbian cocaine cartel muchachos, all bearing uncanny resemblance to Mr. Mak, practically filled both sides of aisles down American Airlines flights from Bogotá. Again, bewildered FBI officials fumbled and failed to throw the book at the wily miscreant.

Between 1994 and 1996, Clinton administration top cops, aided by better street intelligence, actually got close to apprehending the ethnically ambiguous "Ernie the Mak Man," as he’s known on those streets. The several near-misses occurred during the decade of America trying her doggone best to control Mexico’s border.

According to a 447-page indictment filed at the U.S. Court’s Southern District for Arizona, Mr. Mak, "in addition to 2,023 unnamed co-conspirators, individually and in common enterprise, clearly and criminally resemble a lot of Mexican guys getting away with something."

The Arizona criminal indictment alleges that countless brown boys looking a lot like Mr. Mak are "trying to get to work on time, in knowing and flagrant violation of the laws of the United States of America."

"Besides," commented Brendan T. Stone, Special Counsel to the Second Deputy Prosecutor for the Assistant U.S. Attorney General. "He’s a smart-a**." Meaning: Mr. Mak.

In her recent unauthorized biography of Mr. Mak, The Master of Misdirection, local author Cherry Ang notes "things got harder, the heat closer, for Mr. Mak Man, after 9/11, after the feds starting putting the big fat squeeze of swarthies.

"Turks, Greeks, Persians. Young Sikhs and old Sri Lankans. Bearded Hindus, bearded Mexicans, bearded and unbearded Muslims — everybody resembling any kind of chocolate began getting all kinds of extra attention."

Unwanted attention, according to Ms. Ang, turned into hot white lights after the May 2002 arrest, all over frantic TV news, of so-called al-Qaeda dirty-bomber Jose Padilla. "Oh, m’god, a MUSLIM LATINO" an agitated Ms. Ang shouted, in a recent Rolling Stone interview. "That’s like both shotgun barrels at once. BAAM BAAM. You can’t be getting all scary like THAT in America."

The authorities finally closed in on Mr. Mak last April at Portland’s International Airport. According to well-placed sources, the suspect was whistling Cat Stevens’ "Moon Shadow" as he approached the Terminal B security checkpoint. It is still not known why Mr. Mak would be doing a 1970s peacenik song.

Cat Stevens quit rock and roll in 1979. He had converted to Islam two years earlier, became Yusuf Islam, a school teacher, children’s charity president, and children’s song writer. In September 2004 his Muslim name on his trans-Atlantic passenger list got his flight rerouted, got him removed, detained, and deported by the FBI. It has been since then unwise to sing, hum, or whistle Cat Stevens. You can’t be getting all relaxed like that, in America.

"I sure hope some of them charges stick," said Jason Frye, TSA officer in charge of body blocking the walk-thru metal detector. Officer Fry did not know what Mr. Mak was suspected of, but commented for the record: "Dang, everybody knows, the guy’s a smart-a**."

* * *

brand-spanking (Yankism): meaning real new. Just arrived. — Don’t ask me why.

doggone (Yankism): a milder version of godd*mn.

FOB (Pan-Asian): Fresh Off da Boat. A dopey brown boy.

heat (Yankism, from James Cagney- and Edward G. Robinson-era Chicago gangster films): meaning the cops. Can also mean a handgun.

Interpol: Western network of police agencies sharing intelligence and enforcement activities.

Mak or mack (Yankism): two meanings, separated by generations. Earlier, as in Mack the Knife, a Hollywood-created gangster: a stylishly violent thug. The current form is taken from New York Black and Latino hip hop (or rap) culture, repackaged for mainstream sales. Meaning: attempt to seduce a woman.

mestizo (Spanish, Tagalog, and Indo patois): a mixed-blood guy. See: Tiger Woods, Keanu Reeves, Jimmy Smits.

squeeze (Yankism): another recycled consumer product. Earlier Hollywood-made meaning: an authority figure pressuring a recipient into compliance. Contemporary meaning: a girlfriend or boyfriend. Someone relied on to grant yummies, upon your request.

swarthies (Yankism): in earlier popular American media, villains were always dark skinned, dark haired and eyed. And always mackin’ on another man’s squeeze, usually a vulnerable blonde babe.

Throw the book at him (Yankism): an abusive prosecutor charging a suspect with breaking as many laws as there are laws packed in a book of laws. For example: in the mistaken prosecution of Tigard resident, and mentally ill panty-collector, Sung Koo Kim. Oregon authorities, wanting badly to believe Mr. Kim had kidnapped 19-year-old Brooke Wilberger, "threw the book at him" even though they had no evidence linking him to her. Mr. Kim, a first-time offender, charged with minor property crimes, was sentenced to hard prison time. Ms. Wilberger’s actual killer was later caught by Arizona authorities and is now facing prosecution.