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My Turn by Wayne Chan

From The Asian Reporter, V26, #17 (September 5, 2016), page 6.

Now that the Rio Olympics are behind us, I think this is a perfect moment to take stock of many of the brilliant performances as well as how the entire Olympic movement can play a part in our daily lives.

It seems to me that with every gold medal, every stunning finish, and every amazing physical achievement we witnessed in Rio, there are also times when those of us who aren’t Olympically inclined can celebrate accomplishments of our own, with or without medals hanging around our necks.

Take Michael Phelps as an example. I’m as astounded as anyone that he pulled in another five gold medals to go along with the 18 gold medals he’d already won. Yet was that feat — as impressive as it was — really more amazing than the five times I had to go back to Home Depot because I kept grabbing the wrong tub spout to replace the broken one in my kid’s bathtub?

How, you ask, could that be as big an accomplishment as the swimming of Michael Phelps?

Well, did Michael Phelps stub his toe while trying to unscrew the old tub spout? Did Michael Phelps have to endure the puzzled stares of the Home Depot folks wondering why I kept buying a new tub spout just to drive back 30 minutes later to exchange that same spout for another? Did Michael Phelps have to indignantly shout "We don’t need Dave! I can fix this thing!" when his wife said they should ask his extremely handy neighbor Dave to fix the tub instead?

I don’t think so! If the next Olympics might include a "Persistence in Home Improvement Competition," I better start lining up sponsorships now.

Then there’s the basketball competition.

Now, I’m not saying the U.S. men’s basketball team winning a third gold medal in a row isn’t impressive, because it is. Having said that, basketball is a game that was created in the United States and is played by guys who are all extremely tall and make millions of dollars playing the game professionally in the U.S.

If those are the rules for starting an Olympic sport, I’d like to kick off a campaign to create an Olympic event called "Spotting the Gopher Before It Tears Up Your Wife’s Prized Petunias Using a Hose and a Pair of Binoculars." Show me that on an Olympic program and I’ll show you the winner of the gold medal.

And for those who think my gopher-spotting or home-repair competitions don’t make any sense, let me remind you of the REAL Olympic sport: The biathlon.

The biathlon is a winter Olympic competition in which athletes ski for long distances then stop to shoot at a target. If they miss the target, they have to ski a penalty loop before they can shoot again. Much like going back to Home Depot for buying the wrong spout, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, why would you combine cross-country skiing and shooting a rifle in the first place? I mean, if that makes sense, why don’t we have an Olympic competition called "The Javelin Hop," where you throw a javelin then play a quick game of hop scotch? Or how about "The Volleyball Dig," a competition in which players play a quicksand volleyball match then pick up shovels to dig for clams?

My "Tub Spout Replacement" competition doesn’t seem so weird now, does it?

Congratulations to all the Olympians. You’ve earned your glory. But if they ever add more sports competitions, I’ve got my hose and binoculars ready and rarin’ to go.

Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the
authors and not necessarily those of this publication.