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My Turn
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From The Asian Reporter, V34, #01 (January 1, 2024), page 7.
Beware of the unconstitutional yoga pose
Uuuuggghh!
That’s the sound I made that got me into trouble.
Specifically, it’s the sound I tend to make when I’m getting out of a nice, comfy sofa.
I don’t know why it happens. I don’t know what causes it. I don’t know why I didn’t make this sound 10 years ago. The problem is, my wife Maya seems to have the answer.
She says, "Your whole body is tight. You don’t have any flexibility. You need to do some stretching — you are just so stiff all over!"
My retort? I say, "What are you talking about? I play tennis four to five times a week! I run around that court like there’s no tomorrow! You’re off your rocker, lady!!!"
To be honest, I didn’t actually say the words, "You’re off your rocker, lady!" I think the exact words I used were, "Yes dear, you’re completely right, sweetie."
But Maya wasn’t finished yet. She said, "You need to do some stretching. You can’t even walk anymore! You need to do some yoga!"
Ahh, yoga. I’ve seen yoga. I’ve heard about yoga. From my understanding, it started about 5,000 years ago in India. As originally envisioned, yoga was a way of joining, of bringing together, of finding connection. And all this time, I thought the definition of yoga was "creating unnecessary pain out of ludicrous and inhumane body contortions."
Despite my belief that forcing me to do yoga is not what I want and it may actually violate my right to remain silent, Maya was determined for me to try it. She then punched up some videos by Rodney Yee, a famous American yoga instructor.
When the video started, I sat down on my comfy sofa so I could analyze the type of yoga poses Mr. Yee was demonstrating. Then I began a running commentary:
Pose #1: I can tell you right now, that’s not gonna happen.
Pose #2: Anatomically speaking, I don’t think your left foot is ever supposed to touch your right ear. Is his knee double-jointed?
Pose #3: Has he been in a tragic car accident? I don’t see how a normal body can do that.
Pose #4: Rodney didn’t say anything, but are you supposed to take muscle relaxants before doing that pose?
Pose #5: OK, the downward dog pose I can definitely try. After that, I’d like to try the "dog taking a nap" pose.
After my commentary, and after, yes, trying a few poses, I finished my first day of yoga. By the way, in case anyone is wondering, the closest my left foot can get to my right ear is around my right knee.
The next day, while on the way to play tennis, I picked up my tennis partner (Ron) and told him about my yoga experience. Thinking he would naturally like to add some additional commentary to mine, I was quite surprised by his reaction.
"Actually, I do hot yoga," he said, "and it’s done wonders for me!"
Ron goes on to tell me that in hot yoga, it’s all the same poses done in a confined yoga studio where the room is heated to above 100º Fahrenheit, which is supposed to help relax the muscles while attempting poses.
After hearing what hot yoga was, my running commentary mode automatically kicked in.
Hot yoga pose #1: Do they tell you where to find the defibrillator in the room before you get going?
You may all want to plug your ears right now. I’m about to get out of my nice, comfy sofa.
Humor writer Wayne Chan lives in the San Diego area;
cartoonist Wayne Chan is based in the Bay Area.
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