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My Turn by Wayne Chan

We are a dog family. Check that — we are an Asian dog family.

I feel it necessary to specify that we are an Asian family that owns a dog because the way we treat our dog seems unique.

We have an English Cream Golden Retriever named Molly. We all love her, but the way we express our love for her can cause tension in the family.

First, my son Tyler pushes me to stop buying the perfectly good dog food at Costco and spend a lot more money on basically gourmet dog food online. I agree.

Next, my wife Maya decides to supplement the gourmet dog food by telling us to add some steamed rice and stir-fried vegetables to her bowl. I agree to that, too.

Never mind the fact that the Golden Retriever was originally bred in Scotland and the United Kingdom, and therefore it would be more culturally appropriate for us to add haggis or bangers and mash to her food. If that’s actually the way it works, we should wait until we get a Shih Tzu and feed her dim sum or won tons to our hearts delight.

Still, Molly seemed happy as a clam with her Asian cuisine.

However … What we’ve since found is that something isn’t "sitting well" with Molly. She gets an upset stomach, to put it delicately.

I took her to the vet and was told to bring a stool sample, which is not that easy to collect when your dog has an upset stomach. The cost of the stool sample test was more than $100.

The test results were negative; there was nothing wrong with Molly. The vet said it was something we were feeding her.

Using my deduction skills, I discovered that she tended to get an upset stomach after eating leftovers prepared just the day before. Apparently, Molly requires her meals to be made "wok-to-order" style.

At this point, I told Maya and Tyler that I was OK with the froufrou dog food, but we needed to stop giving her the stir-fried vegetables and rice. She doesn’t need it anyways, I said, with the Martha Stewart-grade food she’s receiving.

Having seemingly solved the exorcism-level disruption Molly was having with the leftovers, Maya and I decided to go out for the evening.

We returned later that night to find Molly experiencing an upset stomach again. I asked Tyler if he started feeding her the sautéed vegetables again. He said "no," so I wondered if she really was sick this time.

But then, Ty followed up with, "But I did mix in some fried rice with her food yesterday."

WHYYYYY!?!

So, I said, "That’s it! No more vegetables!!! No more fried rice!!! We’re sticking with the French Laundry-style dog food and that’s it!"

This morning, I got up and saw Molly eating from her bowl. When I looked down, the bowl was filled with more leftovers!!!

WHAT THE #!*% IS GOING ON?!?

Maya looked at me and said, "It’s OK, I just sautéed these veggies."

AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Humor writer Wayne Chan lives in the San Diego area; cartoonist Wayne Chan is based in the Bay Area.

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