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My Turn by Wayne Chan

From The Asian Reporter, V34, #6 (June 3, 2024), page 7.

I consider myself an open-minded person, even when it involves my health.

I’ve had acupuncture before. I had a bad case of tennis elbow and a friend suggested I see an acupuncture specialist to see if it would help. I was game.

The acupuncturist began by placing some very fine needles into my arm and, surprisingly, I hardly felt a thing. Then, he said the needles would be more effective if he attached some electrodes to them as that would stimulate the nerves a bit more and accelerate healing. I was game for that too.

Before he turned on the electrodes, he said, "Now let me know if I turn it on too high and if it hurts or anything." I quietly nodded, but I was thinking, "Shouldn’t he know how much electricity should be coursing through my body? What do they even call this — controlled electrocution?"

Immediately after the machine started, my right elbow started involuntarily twitching up and down as if I was doing a one-armed impression of a Mick Jagger performance.

"Umm, I think this is a bit much," I told him.

But, what can I say? After weeks of pain and trying all the other usual remedies — heat, ice, massage, and rest — the jolts of lightning surging through my arm seemed to do the trick.

That was a few years ago.

A few months ago, I turned 60.

I feel like I’ve lived a pretty healthy life, but once I hit 60, it was like somebody flicked a switch and all of a sudden I was dealing with a myriad of health issues. Nothing too serious, just more irritating reminders that, well, I’m now a sexagenarian.

Let’s see. Immediately after turning 60, I got COVID for the second time. I was on a cruise and, even though among our group I was the only one to put on a mask when we were in tight quarters on the ship, I was the sole person who got sick. Next, during the same cruise, I was chewing on a piece of beef jerky when a molar popped out and I inadvertently swallowed it.

After getting back home, recovering from COVID, and getting my tooth fixed, I felt a pain in my back. After some tests, I was told I have some kidney stones that need to be removed.

Following all of this, my wife Maya turned to me and said, "Your body is a mess. I want you to see a Chinese herbal doctor."

Now, I know I said earlier that I’m an open-minded person, but the thing is, I have a memory, too.

When I was a kid, my parents would occasionally see a Chinese herbal doctor for various health issues. The doctor would usually prescribe a range of herbs and exotic powders and roots that needed to be boiled before drinking. And the one thing I’ve never forgotten was the smell.

Hmm, how would I put words to that smell? Well, I really can’t describe it. All I know is whatever that smell came from, it has now died. And rest assured that whatever it was when it was alive, it definitely didn’t smell good back then, either.

While thinking about the potential concoction the doctor would get me to imbibe, and imagining the introduction of the smell back into my life, I began bargaining with myself.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it? Is that a number higher than this pain in my back? If I smelled it and immediately passed out, would someone just pour the rest down my throat while I’m still unconscious?

I’m seeing my doctor to have the kidney stones removed soon. If that doesn’t work, maybe I should invest in an industrial strength clothes pin for my nose.

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