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My Turn
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From The Asian Reporter, V35, #2 (February 3, 2025), page 7.
When fighting over a check becomes a contact sport
As an Asian American, there’s a customary ritual in my family. I don’t think we’re the only family that practices this ritual. Actually, I know we aren’t. As a matter of fact, one of my best friends is deeply steeped in the tradition. So, what is this fully embedded ceremony to which I’m referring?
Arguing over who pays the bill at a restaurant.
This probably isn’t what you think it is.
It’s not about arguing that the other person should pay the bill. It’s about being adamant that you yourself should pay the bill.
Way back when I was a kid, I remember being fascinated watching my dad fight with friends or relatives about who was going to pay for lunch or dinner. It got loud. There were a lot of hand gestures. I’m not exaggerating when I say that at times I thought it would come to blows.
After several heated moments of discussion, sometimes I’d see my uncle stand up from the table, grab the check, and head to the front desk. This would be immediately followed by my dad racing over to my uncle and sometimes grabbing him by the collar to stop him from completing an action that in his eyes seemed to be an act of utter betrayal and treachery.
If the physical altercation wasn’t enough, then the verbal jabs really sent it over the top.
"I’m going to pay this time! Who do you think you are?!?"
"This is completely unacceptable! Back off! It’s my turn!"
"Everything mother said about you is true!"
That last one had to hurt.
My friend Stan grew up in the same type of family. We both went through similar trauma. One would think that when we both go out to lunch, we would try to avoid creating the same kind of spectacle as our forebears.
To be clear, we don’t behave the same way. We’re more evolved. But, to be honest, we still have the same inclinations deeply embedded into our psyches. We behave the same, but in more subtle ways. We have the same conflicts about who is going to pay the bill, but we do it in code. In the following example, I’ve added helpful translations as a reference so readers can better understand the meaning behind what was actually said.
Below is our typical conversation after the bill arrives:
Me: I’m so glad we could get together. It’s great you could make it. (Translation: Look, I already got the check, don’t even think about paying for this.)
Stan: Here, let me get that. It’s the least I can do. (Translation: Who do you think you are? Back off!)
Me: Oh, no-no. It’s my pleasure. (Translation: Look, you paid last time! You know you did! You reach for that check and you’re taking an Uber home!)
Stan: Wayne, you’ve been so gracious. Let us take care of this. (Translation: What are you trying to pull? You think I’m stupid? You’re basically saying I’m stupid. How dare you!)
Like I said, we’re more evolved.
In the end, we diplomatically came to an agreement that from now on, we should just go Dutch. Of course, we ignore that rule every time we go out and still argue in our passive-aggressive way.
But that’s progress, right?
Humor writer Wayne Chan lives in the San Diego area;
cartoonist Wayne Chan is based in the Bay Area.
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Opinions expressed in this newspaper are those of the
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