One of the joys of writing my column is the ability I have to let all my terrific followers live vicariously through my globetrotting adventures. For those of you at home who want to know more about what it’s like to be me — you’re very, very welcome.

As a matter of fact, I am writing to you from a restaurant in Shanghai’s Pudong airport. It’s 7:46am, my flight takes off at 8:20, and I haven’t even gotten through customs yet.

Some of you might be wondering, "Shouldn’t he be clamoring his way over to customs, then heading to his gate?" To any of you thinking that, I say, "Take a chill pill! I’ve totally got it covered!" After all, I’m an experienced globe-travelling professional!

With my flight at 8:20 in the morning, and with the airport about an hour away from my hotel, I got up at 5:00am sharp — having packed most of my clothes away the night before — calmly checked out of my hotel, and quickly found my reserved taxi waiting at the curb of the hotel.

Being so early and prepared, I actually arrive at the airport 15 minutes ahead of schedule and proceed to the United Airlines ticket counter to check in my carefully packed luggage. Upon arrival at the United counter, I found I was so early that there was no one waiting in line. In fact, United’s personnel weren’t even at the desk. Well, I thought, United probably isn’t used to the idea of travellers as supremely organized as I am, so I figure I’ll have to wait another 15 minutes before they are scheduled to arrive.

Except …

Twenty minutes goes by … nobody’s there, no passengers, no flight crew. So, while I was waiting, I went to United’s computer kiosk and checked in — and even got my boarding pass. The flight was still on schedule. Yet, even 90 minutes before the flight is scheduled to take off … no one.

There must be some logical explanation … maybe United’s counter was moved somewhere else temporarily?

I walk past a number of airlines, trying to find United’s temporary front counter, and finally arrive at the airport’s information desk. Somewhat irritated by what is becoming an annoyance for someone who prides himself on being exceptionally gifted and savvy when it comes to international travel, I ask the attendant where my United flight is.

She tells me the first flight for United isn’t scheduled until 10:20am. I gaze over her with an air of confidence and diplomatically correct her by explaining that I have a boarding pass that shows that my flight is set to take off at 8:20am, and I proudly wave the boarding pass in front of her to emphatically prove my point.

While my Chinese isn’t perfect, I understood her response perfectly. Through what appeared to be an uncontrolled spasm of laughter, she said, "Your flight isn’t set to take off until 8:20pm, sir."

I am, therefore, 13 hours early for my flight. I am, as it turns out, a complete and utter dork.

Trying to salvage the situation, I walk around the terminal, attempting to find something, anything, that I can do to while away the next 12 hours before I really need to be ready. Maybe there’s an airport massage company that offers a 10-hour massage? Perhaps Shanghai has become so advanced it now has a movie theater for wayward passengers? No, and no.

I walk briskly around the airport frantically looking for something to do. It’s almost like I’m trying to justify my time here, so in my mind I am not quite the fool I appear to be. I mean, after all, if I could watch two movies and get a four-hour massage, all’s well that ends well, right?

I can’t go back to the hotel — it’s an hour away and what am I going to do, rent it for half a day and come back? That would only magnify my mistake and add to the utter dorkage of the day.

So, in the end, I am sitting in a relatively comfy arm chair at an airport restaurant, and I will likely order everything on the menu before I get on that plane, which takes off later today, which is Saturday. My flight home is on Saturday. Wait, today is Saturday, right?

Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.