And there you have it — I’ve gotten your attention. It’s as simple as that. If you want attention, jot down a top five or top ten list and the world is yours.

Don’t believe me? Here are five reasons why I know I’m right.

See! I did it again! It works every time.

Of course, with everything in life, there are rules.

Rule #1 (and this is a real list this time): Good lists come in multiples of five (or maybe three).

You can have a top five list. You can also have a top ten list. You can even have a top 20 list. What you can’t have is a top nine list or any other number that isn’t a multiple of five. And yes, I know … the number three is an exception.

If you come up with a "Top Nine" list, you’ve lost all credibility. Some people will think, "What? You couldn’t come up with one more for your list?" Others will say you’re redundant or superfluous for coming up with anything more than your five proper, honest-to-goodness, standard-issue bullet points.

Everyone knows that all good ideas come in multiples of five. Any deviation from that is completely unacceptable. I believe the Supreme Court ruled on that a few years ago.

Rule #2: A good list is nothing if it isn’t written down.

It doesn’t matter what your list is about, so long as it is in written form. It doesn’t matter how ridiculous the topic is — I can come up with a top ten list of reasons why I think the rutabaga is the sexiest vegetable known to man. As long as it’s written down, I will garner the respect of fellow rutabaga aficionados and the community at large.

On the other hand, try standing at a busy street corner and loudly proclaim your love for the rutabaga and see how long it takes for a turnip truck to take you away. (See how I cleverly slipped in the turnip reference in that last line? I’m really getting to the root of the issue now. OK-OK, I’ll stop.)

Rule #3: If you’ve put together a list and it’s on paper, you must be a professional.

I’m sure anyone who spends any time online has experienced this phenomenon. You come across an interesting top ten list and you read through it. It never occurs to you to question whether the person writing the top ten list is actually qualified enough to write the list in the first place.

For some reason, we all read these lists and kind of take for granted that the person who created it must be qualified to write it or it wouldn’t have gotten published.

Case in point — I came across a list online today called the "Top Ten Reasons Why We’re Dumped." Now, truth be told, I haven’t read the list yet. But even still, let’s just think about this for a minute.

If it turns out that the author of this list has been dumped so many times that he or she has decided to catalog all the ways that they’ve been dumped, the question begs to be asked, "If you’ve been dumped that many times, aren’t you the last person I should be seeking advice from in order to avoid being dumped?" Whatever you’re doing, it doesn’t seem to be working.

I’ve been married for nearly 21 years and as far as I can tell, I haven’t been dumped. By that standard, I could easily write a list called the "Top Ten Reasons Why I Haven’t Been Dumped Yet."

Remember — the "instant credibility" factor only works in print or if you happen to be David Letterman. At cocktail parties, I’ve tried to explain to anyone who will listen about my "Top 20 Ways of Keeping My Male Model Looks Intact Into My Forties," but everyone always leaves me before I get to number 12.

So those are my "Top Three Rules to Writing Top Ten Lists." I have a really good fourth rule, but I’m no rule breaker.